高分悬赏各位烤鸭,雅思作文修改,要求点评

发布网友 发布时间：2023-07-22 23:40

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热心网友 时间：2023-10-02 02:30

Studying in foreign countries, in this day and age, plays an increasingly role in our(中式英语，把our去掉) modern society, upon which meanwhile, large numbers（太过口语化，不适合雅思作文的学术要求，建议改成a vast number） of people show great attention（attention在这里稍微有些欠妥，应该是enthusiasm）. Thus（therefore引出下文显得更高级一点...） some people point out that it is wise to be ecated in motherland, while the rest hold such（such..that在这不恰当，你可以换成others insist或是others claim） a view that foreign study（在国外学习不能简单翻译成foreign study） is more significant（虽说你避免了important这个低级词汇..但是significant出镜率太高..可以化成play a predominant role in） for students nowadays. Studying abroad bring about advantages undoubtedly（状语可以提前，显得有气势）, and meanwhile, there are not as versatile as expected.
The advantages of abroad study are innumerable（可以用从句It is universally acknowledged that）. There is no doubt that developed countries have not only leading knowledge but also advanced facilities. So（绝对不能这么用..首先口语化了，其次so不能这么用，换成therefore或者thereby）, this is why increasing numbers of graated youngsters tend to（tend to在这里用错了） go foreign countries achieving further study（换成ecation）.
There is another merit brought by abroad study that students could met varies of people which have different nationalities（这句话中that从句有问题）. Surely, it is really a good method to cultivate（后面最后接人，你可以说cultivate students a sense of..） community skills. It is reported（approved） that this friendship beside（什么意思..这给词是中式英语） nations can lead people have a strong sense of belongings.
Furthermore, it is widely believed that sending children to foreign countries for further study（ecation） is an essential contributing factor to the development of personality—（破折号又显得中式了,可以换成，for instance）independence. Putting children in strange land lonely can foster the sense of independence. That is to say doing everything by themselves can make them grow faster. Hence, being in other country ought to be taught to children, because initially they will depend themselves without parents and friends.
Admittedly, the critic has convincing evidence to support their position. We have to admit that foreign countries do have several evil parts in many areas. For instance, drugs, gambling and pornographic instry. Students may easily go astray. Besides, the expense is very high, which is a very heavy financial burden to the average families.
To sum up, the advantages of studying abroad outweigh the disadvantages greatly. Because it benefits not only indivials, but also the whole society. What we should make sure is to absorb the essence and discard the dregs.

总结一下..我看了一半..发现其实问题还是挺多的..我想问问楼主是有在用十天么？有些踪迹..但是没有完全融会贯通...

话有些直了，错挑的也有点多了..
anyway，还需努力..
离7分还有点远...

热心网友 时间：2023-10-02 02:31

Studying in foreign countries, in this day and age, plays an [increasing] role in our modern society, [and is a subject to which] large numbers of people show great attention. Some people point out that it is wise to be ecated in one’s [native country], while [others] hold [] a view that foreign study is more significant (recommend changing to ‘beneficial’ or ‘preferable’ – significant is inappropriate) for students nowadays. Studying abroad [undoubtedly] bring[s] about advantages; [however], it is not as [versatile] (what expression are you aiming for here? Convenient?) as expected.

The advantages of [studying abroad] are innumerable. There is no doubt that developed countries have not only leading knowledge [in technology? If you want to use ‘leading knowledge’ you have to finish it with ‘in ___’; if not, use ‘superior knowledge’] but also advanced facilities. [Hence], this is why increasing numbers of graated youngsters tend to go foreign countries [to pursue] (achieve means you have already got it, ie finished studying) further study.
There is another merit [to be] brought by [studying abroad, that is, that] students [can meet many kinds] of people [with] different nationalities. Surely, it is a good method to cultivate [communication] (communication = 沟通; community = 社会) skills. It is reported that this [friendship beside nations] (I don’t understand this… Friendship regardless of nationality?) can lead people have a strong sense of [belonging].
Furthermore, it is widely believed that sending children to foreign countries for further study is an essential contributing factor to the development of [an independent personality]. Putting children in [a] strange (recommend ‘foreign’) land [alone] (lonely = 寂寞) can foster [their] sense of independence. That is to say, doing everything by themselves can make them grow (recommend ‘mature’ – grow usually refers to physical growth) faster. (Hence, being in [another] country will teach children a lesson, because initially they will have to depend on themselves without parents and friends.)
Admittedly, the critic has convincing evidence to support their position. We have to admit that foreign countries do have several evil (too strong a word – maybe disadvantagous) parts in many areas. For instance, drugs, gambling and [the] pornographic instry. Students may easily [be led] astray. Besides, the expense is very high, which is a very heavy financial burden to the average family.
To sum up, the advantages of studying abroad outweigh the disadvantages greatly. [This is because] it benefits not only indivials, but also the whole society. (We must just make sure to absorb the essence and discard the dregs.)

语法上的错误都已经帮你改了，也加了建议。
我不是中国人，也没有做过雅思考试，所以不知道该用什么水平当标准，点评方面就抱歉了，帮不到很多。但是整体上，作文写得很好，词汇多数用得恰当，语法水平也很不错。